But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. James 1:6

There has never been a scripture that is written just for me like this one. Throughout the years, doubt has been my friend, even when things seemed great it would follow me. With doubt I have lived my life in fear of letting go and trusting God completely. I’ve truly been like a wave drifting back and forth without a true purpose.
My doubt didn’t start yesterday, but long before I even knew what it meant. There have been many challenges in my life that may have created this doubt. Whether it was loss of loved ones, failures of life, or low self-esteem, I could not really pinpoint when it started. The only thing I know is that over time it felt as though a silent killer was raging deep within me.
Couple years ago I can remember having a panic attack one night, oh my it felt more like a heart attack. Cold sweat streamed down my cheeks as I felt as if I would die. I was so frightened clinging on to each breath. My thoughts swiftly swung to my life and what I had achieved, what would my legacy be, at that time, I felt as if I had been useless. For months I would be awakened by the same attacks of doubt.
It was learning about God that truly turned my life around. No other gift that I have been given could ever compare to it. By becoming one of God’s children I learned that with faith that all things are possible, and that sometimes we go through life wondering if God will deliver the things we want, but forgetting that there is no guarantee we will get what we want, but more we should think about what God wants for us. My mind is thrown to the life of Abraham, he never doubted that God would deliver his son Isaac, the bible says, “yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God,”[Romans 4:20].
There is no way I could ever say the journey has been easy. But each day when I begin to doubt God and his purpose for me, then I am allowing unbelief and lack of faith to enter my life. To be truly honest, I have never really figured out my purpose in the eyes of God. I know that God expects me to preach his word every chance I get, and to live a life that others can know that I am not of this world, but my true purpose seems hidden. Maybe I am truly living my purpose now, maybe each step I make, and each word I write I am fulfilling God’s purpose for me.
At times though, it hard to comprehend the way God does things. He seems to carry us along so many different paths. The road of faith is truly a testing ground to land us into heaven. If we dare to give in to doubt, then we allow ourselves to be dragged into the world. I’m learning to smile more when hard times come, to accept the things that burden me with joy, and to lift my head to the heaven in prayer when I feel I am all alone. God is always there for me, no matter the doubt, his word heals my soul.